Need the PA Dutch translation for my sign

[oneyfarmoriginals]

My Dad always said this in Pa Dutch and he is coming to visit and I want to make a sign to hang in my bathroom so when he reads it, it will make him laugh! He is 86 and has cancer and has been so depressed.... I just want to hear him laugh .... The little poem is... Here I sit all alone and broken hearted, wanted to nuts but only farted

I thank anyone who can translate this before his visit next Wednesday. He is traveling from Pa to Tenn because this is the end of his list of 'wants' before he can't any more...He's the bestest Dad and a good ol country dutchman thru & thru

[oneyfarmoriginals]

I guess there are some words you can't post so here is the saying again,
'Here I sit all alone and broken hearted, wanted to sh*t but only farted'